Following Jesus amid family opposition

For every believer in Jesus today there are costs to following him. One possible cost is that of opposition from family members. How should believers respond when these conflicts occur and their love for the Savior is challenged by those they are closest to?

The importance of family

God established the family for our blessing and mental and emotional health, as well as for the stability of society. The family is irreplaceable, being the most important institution that holds a society together. In stable cultures family ties are normally strong and should be strong. To hold the family together, members typically expect each other to cooperate in matters that affect them. These include finances, raising children, the needs of aging parents, property, and inheritance. Members are expected to attend family gatherings such as yearly celebrations, weddings, and funerals. Making and supporting family decisions is important in every extended family. Where these expectations don’t exist, the family is weak.

Religion and family

In some societies, religious beliefs and values are imbedded into the fabric of society and also the family. Based on recent surveys¹, religion is not very important to most people in Canada, Europe, Russia, Australia, and East Asia. In these countries, it plays a minor role in culture and society. In the United States and Mexico, about half the population think religion is important.

But religion is very important to most people in Africa, the Middle East, and South Asia¹.  In these societies, family members are commonly expected to conform to the norm in matters of religion. These expectations are especially strong in the Middle East where religious beliefs are enforced by neighbors, society at large, and sometimes even the government. These external pressures add significantly to the internal pressure within families to enforce societal standards and values on their members. A family member deviating from the norm brings shame upon the family within their community.

 In some Asian cultures, honoring deceased ancestors is especially important. This can take the form of ancestor worship: presenting sacrifices and gifts to deceased relatives at certain times of the year. Family members are admonished to participate, and those who don’t are criticized or condemned. If the behavior continues, they may be punished or even thrown out of the family.

In countries that have communist or totalitarian governments, families may expect their members to conform to government mandates. These can take the form of a state-sponsored cult religion as in North Korea, or atheism as in China.

Family divisions

Those from the ancient Jewish culture who listened to Jesus’ teaching around 30 A.D. would have understood all of these issues very well. It’s in this type of social environment that Jesus made the following statement:

Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”  (Luke 12:51-53)

Jesus was warning of the inevitability of divisions within the families of those who choose to follow him. His warning concerns mainly the immediate family: father and mother, husband, wife, and children. These are our closest human ties in this life. But it also includes the extended family: spouses’ parents. In some cultures, grandparents, brothers and sisters, and even uncles and aunts wield influence.

The power of family opposition

When a person first comes to faith in Jesus Christ, some of the first people to know is their family. If the believer doesn’t tell them themselves, their conversion will eventually become known anyway. Depending on the culture, this can be a tense time. If family members approve, then well and good.

But in non-Christian families, they may not approve. More often they will be skeptical and subject the new believer to questioning. If the family strongly holds to a different religion, they may oppose the believer’s faith and may even demand that they abandon it. Then the believer will face a decision: conform to family expectations or follow Christ.

When we follow Christ’s path instead of an expected religious norm, family members may interpret our actions as an abandonment of the family. In many cases, the relationship is broken, not by the believer, but by their family’s immovable demands. In the early Christian church, rejection by family, friends, or business and work associates was common for believers in Christ. Within Israel, this persecution came mainly from a Jewish culture dominated by a strict legalistic interpretation of Mosaic law.

Excuses for not serving God

For those whose faith is weak, family obligations can provide convenient excuses to not obey God’s call to serve him. During his ministry Jesus made his intentions clear to those who would be tempted in this way:

He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”  (Luke 9:59-62)

In the ancient Hebrew culture, family burials were taken very seriously and required considerable time and commitment. So, for the man who wanted to bury his father, Jesus’ expectation was that he respond to his call to preach then and not later, since later may have turned into never.

For the next man, going back to his family to say goodbye allowed him to back off from committing to Christ’s work. Once at home, his family would undoubtedly have tried to dissuade him from following the Lord. Jesus compared this to a farmer who starts to plow a field then has second thoughts when he looks back toward his house where it’s cooler and more comfortable. One’s non-believing family will usually prefer that their family member stay at home or close by, instead of embarking on an exhausting mission trip with small pay and few comforts.

Did Jesus command us to hate our family?

One of the most difficult passages in the New Testament is found in Luke 14:

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.”  (Luke 14:25-26)

On the surface, this teaching seems to conflict with the many passages where God commands us to love others, neighbors, friends, parents, and even our enemies. How could Jesus have commanded his followers to hate anyone?

Jesus clearly affirmed God’s command to honor our parents. He firmly rebuked the Pharisees for trying to skirt around this command (Mark 7:9-12). From Scripture, we know that he loved his mother and immediate family.

Existing explanations

Some commentators interpret hate here as exaggeration. In this view, Jesus used the word hate to underscore the seriousness of following him, since many people who were listening to him that day didn’t understand the true costs. Some commentators even suggest that he was trying to get rid of the shallow and uncommitted followers to reduce the number of disciples.

Although Jesus could have exaggerated the costs of following him, he didn’t need to. Only after hearing the true costs of discipleship did people start to leave.

Others say that in this passage, love for one’s family looks like hate in comparison to our love for God. As attractive as this sounds, the ancient people of Jesus’ time probably would not have been able to relate to such a comparison.

Hating our own life

But the fact that Jesus said we must hate even our own life suggests that he wasn’t talking about personal animosity toward family members. Matthew 10:37 is a parallel passage that can be linked to Luke 14:26 but has slightly different wording:

 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (Matthew 10:37)

In this passage Jesus was saying that our love for him should be greater than all other loves. This especially includes those people we are closest to in this life. This means we should love our family members to the degree possible as God commands, but our love for Christ should be supreme.

For this reason, many commentators interpret the “hate” of Luke 14 to mean “love less.” But there’s a caution to the “love less” interpretation. Humans are prone to softening that which God makes hard. Following Jesus is not finding the most comfortable place amidst varying options, degrees of love, or different goals and desires. It’s obeying his call to service, whatever may come. Jesus’ call today demands a yes or no response, as it certainly did when he called his disciples.  There are really no degrees of yes with him, there’s just yes or no.  This is certainly true with serving God or money as Jesus taught in Matthew 6:24.

Navigating family opposition

It’s clear that in Luke 14 Jesus was not commanding us to have personal animosity toward individuals. He was saying we must be willing to hate anything that opposes our devotion to him, including our own plans or desires. So, to “hate” means to firmly reject family demands, advice, or influence if they are opposed to our Christian faith. We are not to have personal hatred toward them, but toward their influence, expectations, and demands. In some cases, this will seem to family members that we really do hate them.

So, Jesus is saying those who start to follow him but then let their love for their family overrule his teachings and call to service are not worthy of following him. In other words, we are not worthy when we prefer the security of our human relationships to believing in and serving him. In many cases, we can have both. But in others, secure relationships with family members can prevent us from obeying God’s call.

Being at peace to the degree possible

Obviously, if family members are neutral toward or even supportive of our faith, then these warnings don’t apply at all. But when family opposition occurs, we must be willing to take a stand, since our love for Christ is to be paramount above all other loves. And of course, whatever we say to those who oppose us must be said with complete respect and love.

With family traditions and customs that don’t conflict with the gospel, we should make every effort to participate and show our respect, love, and appreciation. And disagreements over personal issues, opinions, or preferences such as politics shouldn’t be seen as gospel issues. In these areas we should try our best to live at peace with family members.

Real-life examples of family opposition to faith

The cost of following Christ will differ for each person. Believers from the U.S. may suffer from gossip, exclusion, or hatred from coworkers or family members. Some have lost employment by taking stands on pressing moral issues. But usually, Christians in the U.S. don’t suffer much more.

After I came to believe in Christ in 1970, my parents who were not Christians questioned my faith. They were skeptical and suggested that my new faith was just a phase in my life that would go away with time. They also questioned if my religion was tied to the “religious right” since they were strong supporters of the political left. But they never expected me to conform to their views, and they eventually came to respect my faith. So, at the beginning, while I had to make some sacrifices, I experienced no overt family opposition.

But in other countries, the costs for following Jesus can be much greater.

In the 1980’s I knew a man from Kazakhstan who immigrated to the U.S.  We lived next door to Imash and his family for several years. Previously, while living in his home country, he became a believer in Christ. Being from an extremist Muslim family, his parents didn’t approve of his conversion but violently opposed it. At one point his mother tried to kill him with a knife. He then fled his hometown and eventually moved with his wife and children to seek refuge in the U.S.  Once there, he raised his family in the Christian faith and remained a steadfast follower of Christ.

Time of decision

As God’s Messiah, Jesus Christ calls all people first to believe in him as Savior, and then follow him as Lord into a life of service. Each person’s commitment to Christ will be challenged, and one of the greatest challenges is opposition from family members. Depending on where we live, accepting Jesus’ call may mean strained or even severed family or work relations, loss of friends, loss of job, or even loss of life. We must be willing to give all to follow Jesus: earthly plans, possessions, or relationships.

If your commitment to Christ has caused great conflict in your family, know that the Lord has promised to be with you in your trials. He will carry you through this difficult time. But there’s no doubt it will be worth far more than any sacrifice you make, as he also promises a great reward:

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or sisters or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.”  (Luke 18:29-30)

¹ How religious commitment varies by country among people of all ages, Pew Research Center, June 2018

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